Blah...

So I am on day 33 today, and I started spotting this morning. Which means that I am going to get my period full-force tomorrow. Blah.

I had a cry this morning, and will probably have one tomorrow. For some reason, I didn't think it was going to happen this month; my BBT was all over the charts, I couldn't pinpoint my ovulation... I just didn't feel it. Still, by day 31-32, I started getting pretty damn excited that this might be the month. I even started imagining myself as pregnant.

I try to stay away from this blog, and any TTC blog--and anything TTC-related on the Internet, really, if i don't have to. It's like binge-eating or drinking. I know I should stay away, but sometimes I feel so upset that I just indulge. And right now, at the end of my fifth failed attempt at TTC, I am indulging. So anyway, while I'm here, let me update you:

I have started going to a Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) fertility specialist. Yeah, don't laugh. First of all, I'm a bit on the alternative side to begin with, but from what I've read, TMC seems to result in higher rates of success that Western modes of fertility assistance. For another thing, it involves just herbs and acupuncture, not any hormones that really mess with your system. For another, although my insurance does not cover it, it's cheaper than a "real" RE. Plus, it makes me feel proactive.

I've also bought a Clearblue Easy fertility monitor, which I'm going to use for the first time in this upcoming cycle. Another thing which will make me feel proactive. And will hopefully clue me in to whether I even am ovulating, since my BBT tells me zilch.

MY husband's closest friend told him yesterday that he and his wife are pregnant. They're three months along. This is the fourth person I've found out about who's gotten pregnant since we first started trying. Anyway, my husband asked him how long they'd been trying and he said they'd been trying for one and a half years. Whoa. I am not sure if this makes me feel worse of better, to be honest. I guess it makes me feel better, to know that I am not a complete freak since I haven't gotten pregnant yet, and that if there is hope for them then there is hope for me. On the other hand, I will absolutely lose it if it takes us that long. First of all, I will have to go see a "real" RE way before then. Especially my husband--what if his sperm count is low? (He, of course, it convinced he is totally normal. Typical guy.) Regardless, I am happy for them. I really am.

In the meantime, I am continuing with the TCM (acupuncture, herbs), have started taking Floradix, and will start using the fertility monitor.

God, how is this so easy for some people?

I Shouldn't Have Told Anyone

So when we first began TTC, I was pretty liberal about mentioning to people. Which I now regret. ADVICE TO ANYONE READING THIS: Good idea not to mention that you're TTC. Because it if doesn't happen right away, you feel like a dumbass. Like I do.

I just got an email from a friend. It was a group email, and he's not that good of a friend, but anyway, in it he said that he and his wife (who I also know) are expecting a baby in September. Besides the fact that I really hate hearing about people expecting kids nowadays, I feel kind of dumb because I made the mistake this past summer of mentioning to them that we were going to begin TTC. And now they've fucking lapped us. I just feel dumb and wish I hadn't mentioned it.

Thank God for the the Olympics

Yeah, I mean that. I've been following the Olympics like it's television crack. I have it on all the time, I know who all the athletes are, where they placed in their events, and I loooove their background stories and I even sometimes look them up online. Did you, for instance, know that Evan Lysacek (I am spelling that wrong, but the guy who won the mens's figure skating) used to date one of the women in the ice dancing? Also, that she is now rooming with Johnny Weir at the Olympic Village? I don't follow reality TV or celebrities in general, but for some reason I love this shit.

Thank god for the Olympics because it keeps my mind off of TTC, especially now that it's winter and cold out and I just so feel like holing up inside. Granted, it hasn't worked 100% for keeping my mind off of TTC, but it works for now. Let's hope the weather picks up soon so I can spend more time outside when these fabulous games are over.

Two Inspiring Blogs

I want to mention two inspiring TTC blogs that I've found. They are both "happy ending blogs" which made them really inspiring to me.

The first one I found is http://thoughts-prayers-reflections.blogspot.com. It is from a woman who had difficulty TTC. It's a little (OK, a lot) religious for my taste, but in addition to all the religious bits, the author outlines her struggles for having a bay. She uses Traditional Chinese Medicine, like acupuncture and herbs, and while she does not speculate much on why or how she ultimately got pregnant, her detailed story allows the reader to make sense of her story. I almost want to contact her to ask her why she thought it finally happened for her.

The other blog is http://fertilityfutility.blogspot.com. This woman also details her TTC story. She has some truly incredibly hellish-sounding stories about surgeries she been through and poking/proddings in general related to her TTC.

The incredible thing about these blogs is that both women had so much difficulty conceiving their first baby, and not much at all with their second. (The second blogger's second pregnancy was unplanned, if you can believe it!) Leaving me even more convinced that there is absolutely no rhyme or reason whatsoever about why some people get pregnant and wen they do.

Both of these woman have more of less stopped writing in their blogs. This journey in their lives is over for them, and I guess that they just no longer felt the need to write anymore.

Have you found any really inspiring TTC blogs? I'd love to hear about them.

Waiting for the next big step

First of all, let me just say that I am excited that my blog has its very first follower! Blogs are such a great way to communicate and learn from interesting people who are in the same boat as me, or who may just be able to provide me with insight that my friends sometimes can't.

Anyway, my husband and I are looking to buy our first apartment, and it's all going pretty well (we just got pre-approved for a mortgage yesterday!), although there is one hitch, which may be just me being high-strung, but here goes: We have been looking at two bedroom places, as we plan to have a baby. Otherwise, we would be looking for one bedrooms. (Note; we live in NYC, where housing is expensive, and a spare bedroom is a big fat luxury, unless you are super rich. We, needless to say, are not.) Perhaps a little superstitious of me, but I don't want to "jinx" myself by getting a two bedroom in anticipation of a baby.

Also, I like my job pretty well. I've bee there a few years. It's interesting, the pay is alright, and the vacation time is great. However, I'm starting to look around a little, and if the right job came up, I would definitely take it--aside from the fact that the job I have now would be great for having a kid at, in terms of all of the vacation/sick days I've amassed, as well as their policies on working moms in general. So, should I stay at this job in anticipation that it will be a great place to be once I have a kid, or do I leave if I find something better, even if it wouldn't be so easy to do with a baby? (Or--this is just me being superstitious: I say "screw it" to staying on at my current job for their family leave policies, only to find myself pregnant immediately at a new job?)

I guess I'll end this post with a bug fat UGH.

Period Today

I got my period today. I wasn't even expecting it, since it was so early (day 27--usually my cycles are never less than 30 days). It was so early that at first I got super excited that it might be implantation spotting. But no. It's a regular old period.

I am particularly disappointed because it was my first month using FAM, from Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I checked cervical fluid and position and charted my temp. We had sex exactly when we were supposed to, and still nothing.

I had a good cry, and my husband was so supportive. (He, for the record, is not worried at all, and is convinced that we will be able to have kids just fine. I think he just doesn't like to see me upset.) I have plans tonight, first with family and then later with friends, when all of a sudden I'd much rather stay home.

Taking Charge of My Fertility?

A couple of weeks ago I bought the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, the one that everyone on every TTC website raves about. It is very useful! It's so well written and explains things so clearly...

...Unless you are me this month.

Last month, as I mentioned, I was able to spot my ovulation very well. (At least I think I was.) Lots of EWCM, and my cervix was high and dropped immediately the next day, and my cervical fluid dried up very quickly. This month, I've been watching those two signs (cervical fluid and cervical position) as the book says, and also recording my temperature. And I am still confused.

Last weekend my cervical fluid was eggy as hell, so my husband and I had sex a few times. I was really chuffed with myself that I was able to spot my ovulation and time sex accordingly. My temp was pretty steady. Then, by Monday, my fluid had dried up. However, my cervix was still high, and my temp hadn't risen at all. Today is Wednesday, and I am still high and dry, and have a low temp. I am confused! Why did I get only one of the three signs? At least two out of three would have me more confident. It's day 16. Last month, I didn't notice any EWCM until day 19, so maybe what I noticed last weekend was really something else (although I doubt it) and I am still going to ovulate. Although that seems unlikely because I do not currently have creamy fluid, it's just bone-dry. I am kind of worried that this may be an anovulatory cycle, which I never knew that I had. My period's always been pretty regular and has never given me much trouble. We'll see...

Crappy Day

Hi there,

It's late at night, but I just wanted to have a little vent about my day. I found out my best friend is pregnant today. This was her first time TTC and it worked on their first go. And they weren't even trying seriously, she said. And she didn't even think to take a pregnancy test until she realized that her period was two weeks late. And after she told me, I had to spend the rest of the day at a sad sad funeral (albeit which made it nice and easy to have a good cry).

I realize how selfish this sounds. Of course I am thrilled for her. And, deep down, I know that I have so much to be grateful for. But it was just such hard news for me to take at this point. And I was in tears when I got home, and I don't think my husband really understands how frustrated I've been, for so long, about this.

I wish I could open up to my mom about this. I'm sure she'd understand and be so supportive. I don't quite understand why this is so hard for me to do. My husband tries to understand, but he gets frustrated, which is not what I need. Sometimes I just need someone to sit and listen to me cry. I went out for drinks when I got back from the funeral with my husband and my sister, and they were all about wanting to go out on the town, and I just wasn't in the mood, and to be honest, he wasn't very understanding.

So yeah, today was a crappy day. Everyone has them every once in a while, but I just feel extra special like shit today. Maybe therapy would help. I just don't know how much longer I can take or how much more out of control and frustrated I can get and still be able to hold it together.

Just venting

It's morning and I'm already running late for work, but I just wanted to get some frustration off my chest. I had an AWFUL night's sleep last night. I made the (common by now) mistake of trolling the internet for all things fertility-related, specifically about age and fertility. Which stressed me out loads and just had be in a ft all night. God, why do I do it? I can't help it. This weekend sucked, actually. Husband is away, and it's been so cold that I've really had no motivation to go out and be social, which has left me to my own devices about worrying about TTC. Bad cycle to get into, I KNOW, but really can't help it.

Of course all of this stressing has me worried that too much stress will stop me from ovulating! I was pretty relieved the past two days, since I had EWCM and my cervix was "open and high." However, stupid crap I found on the internet said that you can still have EWCM without ovulating! Yeah, it at was just what I needed to read before I went to bed.

OK, I have to go to work. Blah. It's really, truly freezing and I don't want to to venture out.

I think I'm ovulating, and what do I have to show for it?

Hey there,

So my cervical mucus today was of the very egg whitey. Very much so. And I am so frustrated because my husband is still away for work! He doesn't get back until Wednesday. Grrr.

On the Pollyanna side, I am actually in better spirits than I was this morning, because I actually found some EWCM this evening. The past two months I had trouble detecting any EWCM. And the month before that, frustration beyond frustration, I detected a bunch AND the next day I felt a pain in my ovary (likely the sensation of ovulation occurring) but my husband was again away for work. Super grrr.

Anyway, it is day 19. I guess I ovulate late. My period is usually 30 days, but for the past two months it's been 38 days, so maybe it will be 38 days again. So, I noted this all down. Although I did randomly do an ovulation test this morning and it came out negative. I will do one tomorrow morning in light of the EWCM.

Back when I was in my early twenties, I remember getting a shitload of EWCM. I didn't even really know what it was back then; I just remember being in the shower on many occasions and finding just gobs and gobs of it. I went on the pill when I was about 23 and just came off of it fairly recently. So until recently I hadn't gotten EWCM in years. Now that I am in constant awareness of it, I find it rarely and in much smaller does. Not fair. I have read that it is less plentiful in your 30's than in your 20's, which I guess is just another of the seemingly many reasons that it is harder to conceive as you get older. Boo.

I don't know. I guess all I can say is that I hope next month that the EWCM comes around again and is plentiful when my husband is back!

Hi there

Hi there to whoever finds themselves reading this. I suppose I should begin my first post by explaining who I am and what this blog is about. My name is Lauren, and I am writing this blog basically as a way to vent my thoughts, frustrations, anxiety with trying to conceive (TTC to anyone who is in the same boat as me!) Here's my story so far:

I am 32 years old. My husband and I have been trying to conceive since August, although, since he goes away for work sometimes, we've really only had three opportunities to try. And, so far no luck (or I wouldn't be writing this blog, huh?)

Part of me (the rational part, I suppose) realizes that three months really is nothing to get concerned over. Everything I've read points out that many perfectly healthy, fertile, and, ultimately successful, couples try for a good deal longer than this. Still, I worry. I am a worrier by nature, and, well, the stakes are pretty high. I naively (god, very naively, now that I look back on it) thought that getting pregnant would be as easy as going off the pill and having sex the next month the next month. Ha!

I wouldn't worry so much (or probably even at all) if I knew that it would happen eventually. But every month of trying (albeit only three so far) make me all the more frustrated.

Another thing that worries me is my age. I know that, although 32 is relatively old to embark on a journey (journey is a euphemism if there ever was one as far as I'm concerned, but I am trying to stay positive) of TTC, there are many, many women who have had children at much later ages. In fact, before my husband and I began TTC-ing this summer, I was not worried about my age as a factor at all.

So here we are. I hope you enjoy my blog. In other news, it's freaking freezing here tonight, so I'm staying in for a raucous night of cleaning the apartment. I'm off to do just that. Goodnight!