Hi there,
It's late at night, but I just wanted to have a little vent about my day. I found out my best friend is pregnant today. This was her first time TTC and it worked on their first go. And they weren't even trying seriously, she said. And she didn't even think to take a pregnancy test until she realized that her period was two weeks late. And after she told me, I had to spend the rest of the day at a sad sad funeral (albeit which made it nice and easy to have a good cry).
I realize how selfish this sounds. Of course I am thrilled for her. And, deep down, I know that I have so much to be grateful for. But it was just such hard news for me to take at this point. And I was in tears when I got home, and I don't think my husband really understands how frustrated I've been, for so long, about this.
I wish I could open up to my mom about this. I'm sure she'd understand and be so supportive. I don't quite understand why this is so hard for me to do. My husband tries to understand, but he gets frustrated, which is not what I need. Sometimes I just need someone to sit and listen to me cry. I went out for drinks when I got back from the funeral with my husband and my sister, and they were all about wanting to go out on the town, and I just wasn't in the mood, and to be honest, he wasn't very understanding.
So yeah, today was a crappy day. Everyone has them every once in a while, but I just feel extra special like shit today. Maybe therapy would help. I just don't know how much longer I can take or how much more out of control and frustrated I can get and still be able to hold it together.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Just venting
It's morning and I'm already running late for work, but I just wanted to get some frustration off my chest. I had an AWFUL night's sleep last night. I made the (common by now) mistake of trolling the internet for all things fertility-related, specifically about age and fertility. Which stressed me out loads and just had be in a ft all night. God, why do I do it? I can't help it. This weekend sucked, actually. Husband is away, and it's been so cold that I've really had no motivation to go out and be social, which has left me to my own devices about worrying about TTC. Bad cycle to get into, I KNOW, but really can't help it.
Of course all of this stressing has me worried that too much stress will stop me from ovulating! I was pretty relieved the past two days, since I had EWCM and my cervix was "open and high." However, stupid crap I found on the internet said that you can still have EWCM without ovulating! Yeah, it at was just what I needed to read before I went to bed.
OK, I have to go to work. Blah. It's really, truly freezing and I don't want to to venture out.
Of course all of this stressing has me worried that too much stress will stop me from ovulating! I was pretty relieved the past two days, since I had EWCM and my cervix was "open and high." However, stupid crap I found on the internet said that you can still have EWCM without ovulating! Yeah, it at was just what I needed to read before I went to bed.
OK, I have to go to work. Blah. It's really, truly freezing and I don't want to to venture out.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I think I'm ovulating, and what do I have to show for it?
Hey there,
So my cervical mucus today was of the very egg whitey. Very much so. And I am so frustrated because my husband is still away for work! He doesn't get back until Wednesday. Grrr.
On the Pollyanna side, I am actually in better spirits than I was this morning, because I actually found some EWCM this evening. The past two months I had trouble detecting any EWCM. And the month before that, frustration beyond frustration, I detected a bunch AND the next day I felt a pain in my ovary (likely the sensation of ovulation occurring) but my husband was again away for work. Super grrr.
Anyway, it is day 19. I guess I ovulate late. My period is usually 30 days, but for the past two months it's been 38 days, so maybe it will be 38 days again. So, I noted this all down. Although I did randomly do an ovulation test this morning and it came out negative. I will do one tomorrow morning in light of the EWCM.
Back when I was in my early twenties, I remember getting a shitload of EWCM. I didn't even really know what it was back then; I just remember being in the shower on many occasions and finding just gobs and gobs of it. I went on the pill when I was about 23 and just came off of it fairly recently. So until recently I hadn't gotten EWCM in years. Now that I am in constant awareness of it, I find it rarely and in much smaller does. Not fair. I have read that it is less plentiful in your 30's than in your 20's, which I guess is just another of the seemingly many reasons that it is harder to conceive as you get older. Boo.
I don't know. I guess all I can say is that I hope next month that the EWCM comes around again and is plentiful when my husband is back!
So my cervical mucus today was of the very egg whitey. Very much so. And I am so frustrated because my husband is still away for work! He doesn't get back until Wednesday. Grrr.
On the Pollyanna side, I am actually in better spirits than I was this morning, because I actually found some EWCM this evening. The past two months I had trouble detecting any EWCM. And the month before that, frustration beyond frustration, I detected a bunch AND the next day I felt a pain in my ovary (likely the sensation of ovulation occurring) but my husband was again away for work. Super grrr.
Anyway, it is day 19. I guess I ovulate late. My period is usually 30 days, but for the past two months it's been 38 days, so maybe it will be 38 days again. So, I noted this all down. Although I did randomly do an ovulation test this morning and it came out negative. I will do one tomorrow morning in light of the EWCM.
Back when I was in my early twenties, I remember getting a shitload of EWCM. I didn't even really know what it was back then; I just remember being in the shower on many occasions and finding just gobs and gobs of it. I went on the pill when I was about 23 and just came off of it fairly recently. So until recently I hadn't gotten EWCM in years. Now that I am in constant awareness of it, I find it rarely and in much smaller does. Not fair. I have read that it is less plentiful in your 30's than in your 20's, which I guess is just another of the seemingly many reasons that it is harder to conceive as you get older. Boo.
I don't know. I guess all I can say is that I hope next month that the EWCM comes around again and is plentiful when my husband is back!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Hi there
Hi there to whoever finds themselves reading this. I suppose I should begin my first post by explaining who I am and what this blog is about. My name is Lauren, and I am writing this blog basically as a way to vent my thoughts, frustrations, anxiety with trying to conceive (TTC to anyone who is in the same boat as me!) Here's my story so far:
I am 32 years old. My husband and I have been trying to conceive since August, although, since he goes away for work sometimes, we've really only had three opportunities to try. And, so far no luck (or I wouldn't be writing this blog, huh?)
Part of me (the rational part, I suppose) realizes that three months really is nothing to get concerned over. Everything I've read points out that many perfectly healthy, fertile, and, ultimately successful, couples try for a good deal longer than this. Still, I worry. I am a worrier by nature, and, well, the stakes are pretty high. I naively (god, very naively, now that I look back on it) thought that getting pregnant would be as easy as going off the pill and having sex the next month the next month. Ha!
I wouldn't worry so much (or probably even at all) if I knew that it would happen eventually. But every month of trying (albeit only three so far) make me all the more frustrated.
Another thing that worries me is my age. I know that, although 32 is relatively old to embark on a journey (journey is a euphemism if there ever was one as far as I'm concerned, but I am trying to stay positive) of TTC, there are many, many women who have had children at much later ages. In fact, before my husband and I began TTC-ing this summer, I was not worried about my age as a factor at all.
So here we are. I hope you enjoy my blog. In other news, it's freaking freezing here tonight, so I'm staying in for a raucous night of cleaning the apartment. I'm off to do just that. Goodnight!
I am 32 years old. My husband and I have been trying to conceive since August, although, since he goes away for work sometimes, we've really only had three opportunities to try. And, so far no luck (or I wouldn't be writing this blog, huh?)
Part of me (the rational part, I suppose) realizes that three months really is nothing to get concerned over. Everything I've read points out that many perfectly healthy, fertile, and, ultimately successful, couples try for a good deal longer than this. Still, I worry. I am a worrier by nature, and, well, the stakes are pretty high. I naively (god, very naively, now that I look back on it) thought that getting pregnant would be as easy as going off the pill and having sex the next month the next month. Ha!
I wouldn't worry so much (or probably even at all) if I knew that it would happen eventually. But every month of trying (albeit only three so far) make me all the more frustrated.
Another thing that worries me is my age. I know that, although 32 is relatively old to embark on a journey (journey is a euphemism if there ever was one as far as I'm concerned, but I am trying to stay positive) of TTC, there are many, many women who have had children at much later ages. In fact, before my husband and I began TTC-ing this summer, I was not worried about my age as a factor at all.
So here we are. I hope you enjoy my blog. In other news, it's freaking freezing here tonight, so I'm staying in for a raucous night of cleaning the apartment. I'm off to do just that. Goodnight!
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