Blah...

So I am on day 33 today, and I started spotting this morning. Which means that I am going to get my period full-force tomorrow. Blah.

I had a cry this morning, and will probably have one tomorrow. For some reason, I didn't think it was going to happen this month; my BBT was all over the charts, I couldn't pinpoint my ovulation... I just didn't feel it. Still, by day 31-32, I started getting pretty damn excited that this might be the month. I even started imagining myself as pregnant.

I try to stay away from this blog, and any TTC blog--and anything TTC-related on the Internet, really, if i don't have to. It's like binge-eating or drinking. I know I should stay away, but sometimes I feel so upset that I just indulge. And right now, at the end of my fifth failed attempt at TTC, I am indulging. So anyway, while I'm here, let me update you:

I have started going to a Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) fertility specialist. Yeah, don't laugh. First of all, I'm a bit on the alternative side to begin with, but from what I've read, TMC seems to result in higher rates of success that Western modes of fertility assistance. For another thing, it involves just herbs and acupuncture, not any hormones that really mess with your system. For another, although my insurance does not cover it, it's cheaper than a "real" RE. Plus, it makes me feel proactive.

I've also bought a Clearblue Easy fertility monitor, which I'm going to use for the first time in this upcoming cycle. Another thing which will make me feel proactive. And will hopefully clue me in to whether I even am ovulating, since my BBT tells me zilch.

MY husband's closest friend told him yesterday that he and his wife are pregnant. They're three months along. This is the fourth person I've found out about who's gotten pregnant since we first started trying. Anyway, my husband asked him how long they'd been trying and he said they'd been trying for one and a half years. Whoa. I am not sure if this makes me feel worse of better, to be honest. I guess it makes me feel better, to know that I am not a complete freak since I haven't gotten pregnant yet, and that if there is hope for them then there is hope for me. On the other hand, I will absolutely lose it if it takes us that long. First of all, I will have to go see a "real" RE way before then. Especially my husband--what if his sperm count is low? (He, of course, it convinced he is totally normal. Typical guy.) Regardless, I am happy for them. I really am.

In the meantime, I am continuing with the TCM (acupuncture, herbs), have started taking Floradix, and will start using the fertility monitor.

God, how is this so easy for some people?

I Shouldn't Have Told Anyone

So when we first began TTC, I was pretty liberal about mentioning to people. Which I now regret. ADVICE TO ANYONE READING THIS: Good idea not to mention that you're TTC. Because it if doesn't happen right away, you feel like a dumbass. Like I do.

I just got an email from a friend. It was a group email, and he's not that good of a friend, but anyway, in it he said that he and his wife (who I also know) are expecting a baby in September. Besides the fact that I really hate hearing about people expecting kids nowadays, I feel kind of dumb because I made the mistake this past summer of mentioning to them that we were going to begin TTC. And now they've fucking lapped us. I just feel dumb and wish I hadn't mentioned it.